I want to be in awe.


Rewind << August 2002

I sat there, a bit befuddled by the whole psychotherapy tip, studying this man who was to help me sort through some “issues.” I don’t see myself as smart, but I don’t see how a series of conversations will change the way I think or feel. But some tools, some tools would be nice to keep myself in check if I find myself in a rut.

The psychiatrist understands of course, and suggests that I can always explore medication to keep myself “in check” – but his intial impression was that it would be unnecessary.

“What do you want?” he asks. Of course, I ask myself this all the time when I’m not occupying myself with work or whatnot.

My mom had asked the same question over a fiercely emotional coffee some weeks back and I spouted off things freely. My answers had not changed.

“I want to be in awe.” I said.

A chuckle, “Perhaps you’re setting your goals too high.” he replied quickly.

Fast forward to last week. The snow covered my street. Everything was blanketed and quiet and bright. Blue skies had emerged after the grayness to reveal this idyllic scene. I keep coming back to that moment.

I sat on my front stoop waiting for my ride to work.

I should be in awe, I said to myself.

I _was_ in awe, I hate to admit, when I was traveling. When I would emerge from the dark dormintory and make the quick block to the jobsite. The sky was blue, but everything seemed more grand. Clouds had radical formations. The range on the horizon begged for exploration. The air was bright.